Thoughts and feelings...
Thursday, April 3, 2008
♥ 11:17 AM
Again and again and again. What's wrong and what's right? I'm no longer sure.What to believe and to trust? I don't know. Am i too sensitive or you are too insensitive? I have no idea.Is that the truth or an excuse? I can't differentiate.I'm trying and trying but i think I'm still on the wrong track. Should i stop? I can't bear to and i can't bring myself to it. But if i don't, i will keep getting myself hurt.Nights and nights of tossing around in the bed. Crying and crying.It feels terrible to be unable to fall asleep.I'm not exactly a thinker but i can't help to think...Is it worth it? Not sure too. I only know that I have this desire, a desire for something to happen.If only the desire can be taken away...You always say you understand. But you sure you really do? Because it seems that you don't. I think only God will understand.Maybe i'm expecting too much from you.I thought if you want to do something,you'll be able to do it. Then why do you feel awkward?Why is it hard to talk. Have you given up?Sometimes sometimes, i mind too much.I'm afraid that you will find me irritating.I'm afraid about this, afraid about that.Till i began losing myself.Sometimes sometimes, i try too hard.I like to bless pple because when i see the gladness/happiness when they receive, i feel delighted as well.But perhaps i bless too much and my motive of blessing is wrong.Because when i try so hard to bring some stuff to bless pple, even though i didn't bought it but it didn't come easy as well, and the person say this 'orh, geckting don't want so she give me'Somehow this sentence hurts. Sometimes i keep blessing pple and writing encouragement cards, and then pple say 'bless too often won't have the surprise/meaning already' Somehow this hurts as well. When i see that the pple gets so excited over some small stuff another person bless, and then no reaction towards what i bless,i feel hurt as well.Sometimes when i work so hard and save up just to buy a better gift for someone, and in turn out that the person appreciate another person's present much more,it feels hurt. Perhaps not everyone is a gift person like me. Sometimes sometimes when i expect to have presents and then i ask, pple will say 'your rewards are great in heaven'But i didn't expect a very expensive present, any thing that u sincerely give is enough.I know i know, God says that when we give we shouldn't expect pple to reciprocate. Our rewards are in heaven. I know by thinking this way, i'm selfish and sorts.But i can't help to feel dissappointed.I need to learn, learn how to think and feel in another way.I'm very tired, totally drained out.I'm afraid that my heart will become harden soon. I'm afraid that i might do silly things.I'm afraid that i will give up...I know that many of my questions, the answer is God.
So God help me.
Lead me out of this, guide me back, help me be an overcomer, teach me.
I'm trapped, please bring me out. Having courage in the presence of fear, I really want to have that.
Afterall, deep down in my heart, i still want You.
I still can't bear to let You go.
I really want to be someone that You will be proud of,
someone that pleases You,
someone that puts a smile on Your face and not dissappointment.
This is a long post. And to whoever is reading my blog, i'm just ranting my thoughts and feelings.Don't be stumbled, i'm a human too.If you have any questions or whatsoever, feel free to come and talk to me personally.Labels: geck